From age 10 onward, deeply internalized trauma prevented me from practicing without tears. In 2007, at age 21, I developed schizoaffective disorder while in conservatory, and could no longer play professionally. I began playing again in 2020 at age 34, only after beginning to truly understand my childhood trauma... now reclaiming the music I thought I'd never play again...
I am climbing upwards despite lost years.
Recorded at Venture House on July 14, 2022.
Performance of Bach's 1st Cello Suite Gavotte (again) yay!
My debut with playing in public! Performances of Bach's 1st Cello Suite (Gavotte) & Hindemith's Solo Viola Sonata, Op. 31 No. 4 (Äußert lebhaft)
Filmed on Jun. 20, 2022, after my most recent hospitalization; phenomenal experience 💀 where I resolved trauma, my confidence has soared!
Filmed on Dec. 30, 2021: Performance I recorded, when I was accepted into RAMPD, a collective of musicians with disabilities. (rampd.org)
Recorded on Sept. 23, 2021. Giving telehealth herapy to 6-7 people a day, 5 days a week, I practice viola for 2+ hours a day to destress. Still sleeping 10+ hours a day due to meds. Working to support myself to live alone.
Recorded Jan. 10, 2021, me in my room when living with my family previously. (A psychologically unhealthy setting.) I had just started playing viola again, now able to play through sensory overload because of trauma-informed lessons with Ann Roggen. You can see where I was living, the clutter.
Recorded on May 20, 2012. I had gained 90 pounds from medication, and was unable to practice for more than 15 minutes at a time. I'm wearing a comfortable T-Shirt that was given to me as a gift by a teacher at a school where I used to work, a job I lost after relapsing.
Recorded in April 2008, during my last semester of grad school at IU. In 2007, I experienced first-episode psychosis, was hospitalized at home in NYC, diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. My teacher told me I didn't have to be a professional musician, I felt like a failure, utterly lost.
Queens Council on the Arts Poetry Night on June 30, 2022. I wrote this poem in response to a stranger I encountered on Feb. 14, 2009, who called himself "Sincere," he was arrested 2 days later and I was notified that he was a serial rapist who routinely slashed women with knives. Police told me I was very lucky to have escaped unharmed.